I don’t typically talk about personal stuff on my blog anymore (which is strange because that’s really what a blog is FOR!), but lately I’ve been feeling led to share an update on some recent breakthroughs I’ve had this year. .
Ever since our life in Sacramento starting falling apart back in 2008, I couldn’t bring myself to share about what was going on and how “great” everything was in regular intervals (I sorta blogged about it HERE, but it wasn’t the whole story). This past October marked the beginning of our 4th year back in Chico, and I’m still amazed at how fast the time has marched on! What Jeff and I have accomplished in that time is even more incredible. Last year we (I) finally felt “at home” here in Chico and started being honestly thankful to God for leading us back here. It is clear this is where we were supposed to be all along, but the struggle to come to terms with that seemed agonizing at times! To those closest to me, it was no secret my battles with depression, anxiety and anorexia that haunted me since high school were at the forefront of my mind during this past 4 years. At the start of 2013 I was tired of it all. I felt out of control of my own mind. I was quickly realizing that if something didn’t change soon, I wouldn’t be able to pull myself out of ‘the pit’ without serious intervention. It was hard to CHOOSE to eat when I had laundry to do or dishes to clean. I didn’t feel worthy. I felt like a failure, and every time that I allowed my negative thoughts control my behavior, it only made everything worse. I felt pathetic and stupid. I mean, I couldn’t even control my OWN mind and thoughts. How bizarre is that?!? I was tired of the fight with myself. I wanted peace. I desperately wanted to be happy and to be a better mom and wife. So I started to change my approach. I changed my diet to a more strict Paleo, eliminating gluten as much as possible. I started weekly meetings with Jeff and our pastor at The Vineyard to try and get a handle on everything without any meds. I even tried a counseling session with a therapist. After meeting with the therapist, I thought maybe I should try doing CrossFit instead. Jeff has been doing it for a couple years and is always talking about how amazing he feels, and he looks amazing now! I figured if I started doing CrossFit too, I wouldn’t have to talk about any of my depressing thoughts and feelings… I could get a good workout and get out any pent up anger or agressions. Plus the exercise would help me to be more confident with my body.
I started attending regular workouts at the beginning of February with Adrenaline X Crossfit Chico. It was hard, and it exposed my weaknesses (which were many), but everyone there at the gym lifted me up and encouraged me. Although I was a stranger to them, they welcomed me into their family with open arms and treated me like a close friend. They actually cared for me and wanted me to do good! I never once felt judged for not being able to do an exercise – the coaches were quick to help me find an alternative movement to help me still get the workout completed. Everyone was so encouraging all the time, my inner demons’ voices were drowned out and couldn’t penetrate my mind any longer. I became stronger with every workout, and started to overcome my weaknesses and became more confident, and happy. No longer am I a failure. No longer am I pathetic or stupid. No longer can I hear the Enemy’s voice in my head spewing out lies and keeping me from my destiny. For the first time in 20 years, I am free from my depression, anxiety and anorexia. At 33 years old, I am so excited for the future and feel ready to tackle whatever comes my way in a much more positive and healthy way.
I’m not sure the purpose for this post, except for the tugging on my heart to share my testimony in finally conquering the enemy in my mind and reclaiming my life. If you can relate to anything I’ve written, I’d love to hear about it!
I heard this song from Disciple on the radio the other day, and I had to crank the volume up and sing right along with it!